Crystal Daze~ My Perspicuous Truths

New Job for the New Year

2012-01-15T07:16:00.000-08:00

I started my new job last week and it is my dream job! It is everything I could ask for and more :) After I started to refocus my life, I began to do what was important to me and take out all the other stuff. Some things I realized I would have to give up or at least put on hold. Like photography. I love photography, but with school, work and a family, I had to put that on hold and just focus on my family. I then started to focus my life when it came to my job as well. I told my boss that I needed to find a job that wasn't sucking the energy out of me and taking away time from my family. The hard part for me was I love doing so many different things, it was hard to pin-point what I truly wanted to do.

I narrowed my focus to two job paths; one was business development and the other one was marketing. Even though I am in health care, I love business and marketing...it is something I am passionate about. I read books about it because I find them interesting (I know, crazy but hey, each to their own right:). After I made up my mind to look for careers in that area, I talked with the VP of Nursing and asked her what type of careers I could find at our hospital that would be in this area. The answer wasn't what I wanted to hear, but I didn't give up. She basically told me that our hospital was so small and people do not leave their jobs often so the chances were that I wouldn't find one there. But the hospital I work for is part of a bigger network of hospitals and to make a long story short, I found my dream job....Director of Marketing and I stayed in the Network so I didn't have to change to a different hospital system. It just goes to show, that a little faith and patience can go a long way if only you believe :)

Life Lesson's ~ My Authentic Self~Living How Peter Did

2012-01-01T17:40:00.000-08:00

We all have life lessons that we learn that change who we are and who we will become. Over the last year and a half, I have really learned a lot about myself...I have been on a journey to finding my authentic self.

In March 2010 I made a promise to try to be more authentic. I made this promise to myself whenI went through a leadership class and going into the class, I thought tomyself, I already know who I am and I don’t think the class is going tohelp me know myself better. I wasmistaken. I did learn some things aboutmyself. And by the end of that class,one of the promises that I made to myself was to be authentic. But what is authentic? What does it mean to be authentic?

For me it was being who I am on the inside and living it onthe outside. But even after the class, what I found is that I was not being authentic. I found out that I was whatI hated most about others. I am aliar. I lied to myself everyday. I tell myself that I am right and they arewrong. I based my judgments on a sense ofself and no one is allowed to tell me otherwise. I was the ultimate judge and jury in my ownhead. So how was that beingauthentic? How did that make me aliar?

Because, how am I supposed to be more authentic if I cannever admit fault? How was it okay for me to pass the ultimatejudgment without ever walking a mile in their shoes?

So I want you to walk in my shoes, and in order to do that,I want to share with you the defining moment in my life. It defines who I am and will be.

August 29^th2010 was just like any other day for my family and I except today, we weregoing to see my cousin Peter race in the Motor GP. It was exciting because it was the first timethat kids in his division were able to race in the Motor GP at the Indianapolisspeedway. It had been a year since wesaw my cousin Mike and his son Peter, so I was excited to see them and see Peterrace. I knew how much Peter loved torace. When Peter talked about it to melast year, it was like he was born to race. It was hard to explain but I felt as though I was a witness to somethinggreat, Peter was living his dream each and every day.

I started the dayfull of anxiety. I was anxious because Ihad so much work to do for my job and for school. I was also ridden with guilt because I wantedto see Peter race on Saturday too, but decided I would do some school work onSaturday instead. My anxiety of myworkload finally let up and was replaced by anxiety of Peter’s upcomingrace. I watched the young riders’ lineup. I beamed when I saw his name inlights, #45 Lenz.

I moved closer tothe bottom of the row of metal bleachers so I could get a better shot with mycamera of Peter, but they were still so far away. They start their warm-up lap, something heldthem up but the race begins shortly after that. I look up at the lights that have the position of each of the racers,and I see Peter’s last name drop off of the standings. I thought to myself, “Oh, his bike probablyhad engine problems since Mike said they had problems with the bike the daybefore.”

As the race cameto an end, I called Mike. No response. Isaid to my husband and kids, “Let’s go look for them, they are probably busyand Mike said they were going to be near the Honda tent, so let’s just headthat way.” We walk around and do notfind them, so I sent a text to Mike “where are you guys.” Mike responded “Peter passed away.” My heart sank. I showed the text to my husband and said tohim that it had to be a joke or typo. Icalled Mike this time, only to hear that the text was not a joke or a typo, itwas the truth.

Itwas that moment that my life changed. Seconds really, and life as I knew it came to a halt. Tears streamed down my face, my husband,Jared looked at me with pained and worried eyes. I tried to take a breath, but felt as thoughI couldn’t. Short gasp of air movingpast my lips as I tried to talk to my husband to say, “we need to go to MethodistHospital.” I began to hear my seven yearold Ari, match my own sobs, and watched as my teenage son, Ian began to have anendless stream of tears.

Iinstantly began to be in denial, my brain trying to say, this was notreal. Why did we not hear about it? This has to be a mistake. Not even the security guards my husband waveddown knew about this, they knew there was an accident, but they said he was notlife lined out, just taken out in an ambulance. So it had to be a mistake, it just had to be. My mind swirled with emotion and pain. I knew if I was feeling this way, Mike mustbe feeling a thousand times worse.

Ikept saying to myself, that I had to pull myself together; I had to be strongfor Mike. I searched deep within myselfas minutes passed that seemed to be like hours, as we tried to get to thehospital as fast as we could. The minuteI stepped inside the room where Peter and Mike were, it became too real. It was at that point, inescapable. The images burned into my mind forever.

As the days and weeks went on, the emotions I felt wereso overwhelming, I almost felt guilty for having them because he was not myson, but I felt as though a piece of myself died that day too. I became so depressed, flooded with pain thatI could not get rid of. My typicaldefense mechanism is to shut out the emotion, to pretend it did not exist. I could not do that with Peter’s deaththough. I could not escape the imagesfrom the hospital that were burned into my memory.

I started toquestion everything in life. To questionmy own belief in what is and is not. Myeternal optimistic approach to life, shattered. I used to think that if I believed it to be true, it would be, so if Ibelieved nothing bad would happen to my family, then nothing bad wouldhappen. Optimism to its fullest hadbecome my detriment.

I began to havecrazy anxiety when I got into the car with my children. I no longer felt in control of my ownlife. I now knew that I had no say inthe uncontrollable things in life. Ibegan to wonder how I would ever be who I once was again. I began to ask myself, who am I anyway? I did not know the woman staring back at mein the mirror anymore. I did not knowhow to move past the pain. I felt like Ineeded to turn it off somehow. That if Icould figure out how to turn the switch off, I would be able to function. I would be able to move. So that is what I tried to do. To shut it off. To stop feeling. But I would not be able to do that for long.

I was jolted backto the pain that I felt, the day I saw a man’s tire blow on his motorcycle, andhis bike slid down the pavement as the man rolled onto the street. I tried to shut off the emotions but someonewas trying to tell me I could not do that. The accident that I watched was too close to what happened to Peter......It brought back the memories, the pain, the reality that I still had not come to terms with. In that moment I knew, I had to stop and listen. To hear what God was trying to tell me....To not forget what Peter’slife was about: about following your dreams, about following your passion in life, about loving and beingloved, about never taking for granted those who love and cherish you most. I knew then, that I had to re-prioritize my life.

This was not an easy task for me. I am the type of person who wants toaccomplish all of the goals I set for myself. I would tend to set too many of them. I thought that by doing this, I was setting an example to my childrenthat nothing was impossible. The onlything it did for me was make the sand in my hour glass pass too quickly throughtime without regard to what really mattered to me.

The over achieverthat I was, I thought that I was supermom, super employee, and the superwife. I started to have too many goalsand not enough time to do them all. Themore obligations I set for myself, the more I failed. I could not do it all, yet I did not feel Icould say no either. I feared that I would let someone down or that I would berejected if I said no to anyone.

I found myself ininternal turmoil because I did not know how to accomplish my goals withoutsacrificing who I thought I was. I didnot know how to prioritize. I lied tomyself, saying that my family was the most important thing, but when it camedown to it, my husband would say, “Crystal, you are there for everyone else,but you are not always there for me and the kids.” That hurt. But he was right. How do I getbalance? I could not answer thatquestion and made some changes last March when I said I would be more authenticto myself and to be there for my family more, but in reality, all I did was puta cover on the problem to make me believe that I was putting my family firstbut I truly wasn’t.

In March of 2010,I said that I needed to not work as much and not let the stress of work andschool affect my family life. Yet it wasapparent, even the hours leading up to Peter’s death that I was not taking myown goals serious enough. I realize now,had I taken my goals more serious, I would have gone to the race on Saturdayand Sunday and would have been able to see Peter before his accident. Instead, I stayed home on Saturday, trying towork on some things for work and school and I never got a chance to see him. I can never get that time back. I knew I had to quit lying to myself when Isay, that work and school was not taking away from my family time.

After witnessingthe motorcycle accident a few miles from my house, I turned the light switchback on. Peter’s death helped me to see that my family was the most importantthing to me. Peter helped me to see thaton my death bed, I do not want to be remembered for what I did daily at my job,but wanted to be remembered for how I lived and how I loved. Peter helped me to see the balance and theexcess weight I carried around and how it really was not that important.

Making realchanges in life is hard to do. I for oneget caught up in the moment of the day to day life struggles. It is easy to lose sight of what isimportant. It is so important to be whowe are. We all need to live our livesoutwardly, instead we choose to show who we are to a few, living inwardly theto the rest of the world. Fear can belike a chain, bounding you to a life, which is not real. I remember a time where I thought to myselfif I ever be able to stop caring about what people thought of me. If I could just be who I am, would everyonelike me just the same?

I think back tothat moment and remember thinking that it was not possible for me to stopcaring what others thought of me. What Ihave since come to realize, that by doing that, I was not being true to myself,that I was living a lie. I was achameleon.

I no longerdesired to be a chameleon. I wanted tolearn how to show people around me my true colors. Over the years I have slowly started to dothat and through Peter, I was finally able to drop the last of my chains andlet go of what was holding me back. Myself.

I realized I wasmy own worst enemy. I held on to anger,resentment for others, feelings that just bound me to a chair that was holdingmyself from living my life. I needed tofind a way to let those feelings go. Ihad to ask myself questions that would be hard to answer. But I knew that if I could quit lying tomyself, I would shed the Chameleon self, and become my true self. Become Authentic.

The point I am trying to make is that we are all chameleonsand we all need to shed our chameleon skin in order for people to truly knowwho we are. We are only hurtingourselves by not being able to let others know what truly lies in ourhearts. We are making assumptions thatare based from a reality that we choose to play in our own minds. We are the ones lying to ourselves. If you never truly let others in, you aredenying yourself and others the opportunity to give a gift of your life andwhat you have to offer. Do you reallywant to deny people that gift? I for onedo not want to do that. I want to livemy life as Peter did….with no fear and full of passion.

My own worst enemy~fiction writing~

2011-01-25T19:08:00.000-08:00

I stand at this juncture with the dissimulation of being alone. I am surrounded by the disquiet and foreboding darkness of my mind. My angst heightens as I glance down onto my feet which are now surrounded by a dense feathery fog. The thick gray mist appears to deliberately encircle me, creeping steadily upward. I feel my breath start to quicken. Short shallow gasp of air rush by my pursed lips. The drummer pounds the base drum in my heart...thump thump, thump thump. I reach up and grasp my chest. My clutch unyielding as if I am preventing my accelerating heart from propelling into the external world.

I cinch my eyes shut, hoping my mind had confabulated this world I am surrounded by and no longer wish to be in. Yet I am misguided by my faith in my own sanity. Sanity that is dismantled when my hope of only hearing the melody of my heart and the whistling of my breath is accompanied by something other than myself. My longing to stay motionless is overtaken when whispers surround me..."I know who you are" echoes over and over ever so softly. I jolt into a stumbling run but am pulled down into the unmerciful dirt path. My leg is seized by clawing frigid hands. I reach out and dig my bent fingers into ground, filling my nail beds with gravel as they travel across the ground. I scream desperately, yet knowing it is in vain....but is it?

I suddenly stop. I am still.

I open my eyes...look around and see only my reflection staring back at me.

Written By Crystal B.

The Pain...

2010-10-21T19:31:00.000-07:00

This is just a short piece I wrote recently as I was trying to work through the grief from the loss of my cousins son who died too young.

The Pain

I lean my head against the wet shower wall. Hoping the hot water will wash away the pain. It seems to be eating at my soul today. The emotions of his death brought back into my mind. I thought I had buried them deep enough as to not be able to feel them. But I guess I had not buried them deep enough. My head is pounding. Maybe it's from the stress I am putting on my self. The pounding in my head is so strong I would swear there is a man playing a base drum in my head. His beat is the same as my heart beat as to let me know that I am still alive.

Still alive.

I ponder how that is. I wonder why the pain has not broken me to the point where I no longer feel it anymore. But I am not. I am still here. Aching with each breath I take. Paralyzed by my tears. Tears that won't stop no matter how much I want them to. Tears that just keep getting washed away with the warm water that continues to run down my face.
I feel so alone in this world. Wondering how each person that smiles and laughs can continue to do so when I feel so much hurt inside. They must have never felt pain like this. I just say to myself when I see them, they don't know what it is like to loose a child.
I thought I was fine until yesterday. I saw a man nearly get hit on his motorcycle on a busy road going through town. He swerved,rolled, and got up but I kept running it through my head...if another car was behind him, he would have been hit. I kept asking myself why didn't that happen for Peter? Why when he feel off his bike did there have to be someone behind him? Small seconds in time, and life as you know it is no longer the same. Life is just that. Life. A life with pain that just keeps forcing you to move on. But I guess that is a concept I don't know anymore. People say it but it is just a foreign language to me. Spanish or French. Shit I don't know which, but all I know is that I feel stuck. I am knee deep in cement that gets harder by the day.

Oh how I wish this damn water would just wash my mind of the images. I keep getting flashes of him. I thought they'd go away. The haven't. They are still here. Haunting me. Reminding me that it wasn't a dream that I could wake up from with a sigh of relief. It's all too real. It's all too painful. Not even the man playing his base drum in my head could even begin to compare to the pain and emptiness I feel.

80's...are they back?

2010-09-12T17:06:00.000-07:00

Are the eighties really back? *screams no, please no* But I want you to be the judge.

80's hair:

*Okay an 80's Arnold...look familiar yet?*

*Okay, so maybe not as wavey, but close enough eh?*

Misc boys in my family's hair:

Then there are the "mom" jeans...What? Really???

I know that some of us need to hide the "muffin top" better, but really? "Mom" Jeans?

Do we really need to make our buts look longer again? Please help me understand the reasoning for this? There was an invention called Spanx for that "instant liposuction" To avoid the "muffin top"

Then there are the shoes...My son came home from visiting family in California wearing something like these...

except his were more loafer style...so take out the white and make the soles of the shoe thinner and there you have it.

All I have to say is wow...why? I was hoping that we left the 80's for good, but now it is invading my kids, nephews, nieces and I hope not the women in my life...lol :)

Tears

2010-08-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

I am trying to make sense of the death of my cousins son at the age of 13 yesterday. I keep replaying in my head the images of his little body laying there, like it isn't real, like he was just sleeping. I slept all day today, so emotionally drained....but for the most part to try to stay away from people asking about it, but when I rolled over in bed this morning, there was his face on the news. I just don't understand these emotions. I am not supposed to understand them I guess. I never lost a child but came close to losing my son, but it doesn't compare to actually having to grieve the loss of a child as my cousin did Sunday morning. Hunched over in the chair, next to his lifeless son....its an image that will haunt me...its an image I can't get out of my head....
I keep replaying the day over and over in my head....how could I have prevented it...can I go back in time....why was it him? Then there is the media, the comments of how his parents could have prevented it or the idiots who post pictures of on my 13 year old cousins on his fan page where he looks like a zombie and so many stupid insensitive comments. Of course there are a lot of nice ones but I am not understanding the comments that are not understanding that someone just lost a child! That maybe, just maybe, these jerks should keep their opinions to their self for a change.
I have never seen my husband cry since we met, get tears in his eyes yes but never cry...I have seen him cry more in the last 24 hours then I would ever like to see him cry.
The tears are just a reminder of what an amazing kid he was and how much he will be missed. Goodbye Peter...my heart is breaking and my tears won't stop but I know you are in a better place and I am so blessed to have met you....you will forever have an impact on my life and everyone else's you have touched.

Buyer Beware: Brain will become....Fried Eggs

2010-08-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

If I could visualize my brain right now, I think it would look like this:

Yes a fried egg on the sidewalk. What I would like for it to look like is this------------------------------

A nice beautiful flower that blossoms and grows. But no, my fried egg is just that....fried. I am trying to finish up my summer classes while starting my graduate classes and working full time and still try to have a life. *digs a hole and sticks head in it*
So I have to try to come up with some way to organize my life.....give up hobbies or something. I have already given up "fun" reading and have resorted to paying an arm and a leg to download my fav books on itunes. This saves time but what else can I give up to get back some time? T.V. is an option I guess...but what would I do without my weekly Dexter episodes that I have been catching up on (oh the joy of the justice from a serial killer/vigilante) or Trueblood (the joy of watching hot blood sucking vampires and sexy warewolves....Oh my gosh! did I really just say that?! I have been talking to Misty way too much!)... I love to get lost in their world...if only for an hour.

Image by misspixels via Flickr

So I must compromise somethings...but the only thing left to compromise is photography (which I don't think I can give up) or sleep. Sleep it is! :( I have been doing it for almost two years, and only 22 more months to go. ugh! why did I decided to get my MBA again? *Throws hands in the air and shrugs* So if you ever want a glance into my brain, just picture a fried egg and random words flying around that really do not mean much.

My OCD (obsessive camera disorder) of the week.

2010-08-09T20:47:00.000-07:00

I am sooo excited! I am going to shoot a Goth, Alice in Wonderland theme this week!

*Does a little happy dance around my desk*

So for all of my non-OCD fans, I am apologizing in advance for my little photography rants, but hey...did not see the profile pic? It is me with a camera covering my face :)

So I have a couple of things I am thinking of doing...one is I have this really large, and I mean large chair that my family has nicknamed the Alice in Wonderland chair...so I am defiantly having the model in the Alice chair...Second thing, is I am going to have some digital backdrops made to place her in.

*rubs hands together with excitement*

Lastly, I was thinking of what I should do for the make-up and found this amazing photograph by Zsólyomi Norbert on the website Fashonising (click on the link and check it out and let me know what you think).

I don't have to really use the blue around the eyes, I could use a different color and I'm not sure about the pale white but really like the look on the model in the pic on fashonising. My model is going to wear a tutu skirt and a black corset top....I am thinking maybe some torn black pantyhose and some gothic jewlery...I haven't figured out the hair yet because she has short hair but am open to ideas because I know you all have them so please share :)
Alright...I guess I should find my bed sometime tonight. Goodnight all!

Canoe What?

2010-07-27T17:55:00.000-07:00

So I am talking to my sister today and she calls someone a "douche canoe." I know what you are saying, its probably the same thing I asked myself.....*What! Is this even a word people use?* The answer...*drum roll please* YES!

I know shock and awe that someone actually spent time coming up with this stuff...so I look it up and started cracking up at this website I found....Not only is there douche canoe, but there are an array of uses for the word douche in the Urban Dictionary.

My fave is Douche Caboose....Here is their definition and sentence use:

A group of douche bags that can be found walking behind a group of attractive women, usually as they enter a nightclub.

"Hey, look at those sorostitutes that just came in. Let's buy them a round of shots!" "Nope.. there's the douche caboose." ~ Urban Dictionary

LOL! What! Yeah...that's all I need to say about that :)

People Watcher

2010-07-14T17:46:00.001-07:00

What is a people watcher anyway? *tilts head to the side and scratches head looking perplexed* well in short....its a nice term for STALKER.

Photo by kingsley

Just kidding.

But really, it is fascinating to sit back and watch people. I only mention this because I just came back a few hours ago from taking my daughter to gymnastics. Since they moved half the class to the back of the building, I couldn't see my daughter anymore and had no choice but to sit back and become a people watcher (I can't believe I just admitted that!).

So on one side of me you have my sister and my crazy three year old nephew (whose nickname is terror-mite, since he sticks everything in his mouth and he is a little terrorist as soon as he steps foot in my house). My sisters nose is stuck in a book with the occasional (well every 30 seconds) "Get off there" "I'm going to take you outside!"
(Yes, that is my nephew, on the top of the toy car, with his hands up...is he practicing already? LoL...joking, joking).

On the other side, I have a row full of proud parents, some on computers, iphones, or talking....and the other half staring intently at their child.....You know what I am talking about right?
The parent that is watching their child do a one handed cartwheel, and moves side to side as if they were the one doing the cartwheel....smiling if they got it, looks of disappointment if they didn't.

Then there are the few that talk to their children under their breath, saying "go" "come on" "oh, come on you can do it!" "straighten your leg!"

I just sat there in awe of this phenomenon. Thinking to myself....Really? They can't hear you.....You can't make them do better by jerking your body from side to side.

What was the most interesting though is the student teacher dynamic. We all inherently want to be the best....and you can see it with the "watch me" eyes on the kids. If the instructor isn't looking at them, some will stop and wait until they look their way, others will look out for the look of approval from the parents, and others will interrupt constantly...saying "did you see that?" (yeah my daughter is all of the above, lol). Then there is the instructors who, do not mean to, but pay more attention some kids over others. Sad but true.

So the next time I go to gymnastics, I am bringing my binoculars, and sitting back and enjoying the show that is provided by the child/parent/instructor dynamic.

Osmosis

2010-06-13T08:58:00.001-07:00

Oh my goodness, this research paper is killing me! I saw this picture on flickr and thought...she looks like I feel! It is insane how little sleep I live on these days. School, work, family, then sleep. I am so tired right now that I feel as though I am living outside of my body...hence the picture. Right now my daily dose of caffeine is not even working. *sigh*
So I am sitting here wondering, do I go take a nap...*smiling happily at the thought* or do I push through the lazy led eyes that are betraying me right now? *pulls up a chair to my own pity party*
OR.....I know! I know! I will just lay my head on my books, take a nap, and hope the information will seep through my brain through osmosis :)

Solitude

2010-05-29T20:41:00.001-07:00

What is Solitude anyway? Do we even know what it is anymore? I sit here in front of a lit up screen that types my words gracefully. Not with a pen and paper that puts my words only for people to see that are within my space, but on a screen for all the world to see if they choose to. Strange, I often find myself wondering what my life was like ten years ago, before I had a cell phone in my hand at all times or a tiny electronic screen that held all my favorite songs. Now I have the world at my fingertips...I can sit and play a game, search the web, post on my facebook...all in the palm of my hand. Its hard to remember the silence. The silence of the world around me not surrounded by electronics. Remembering when I was lost in my thoughts instead of lost in the world wide web. Strange that my children will never know that world of silence, will never truly know solitude.

The conflict is I love my little gadgets; my iphone, my ipod, facebook, gmail, and blogger....what would I do without them? Maybe I would go back to sitting in silence...to bring back the part of myself that is on the verge of extinction....the me without technology.

Do you ever feel like this?

2010-05-05T19:11:00.001-07:00

photo by thatjonjackson

Yeah me too! Only when I have a two year old that is too sleepy or a thirteen year old that is too...well...too much like a teenager. I sometimes think the toddler and the teenager have the same brain function going on. Okay, well one talks better than the other, but when it comes to common sense...I swear it is lost never to be found again once they hit those teen years. I know you all remember those moments in time...where, yes our parents, did not know what the heck they were talking about and I was invincible. Oh, if only I would have known better.

My 13 year old's, newest thing is when I am talking to him, he starts to put his hands on his forehead and pull his bangs into his face over and over again. I want to say "STOP IT, They are not going anywhere!" I think I might try it with him next time he is asking me something and see how he reacts...*images his face looking at me very perplexed by my strange behavior* Yeah, I think that would prove a point :)

Obsession

2010-05-01T20:40:00.001-07:00

Yes, obsessed. I can't help it, I just love to get behind a camera and shoot some pictures...I know, I know, no one cares but me. But I am telling you, it is the most wonderful thing ever when you take a picture and it turns into a work of art...*kicks back and hears my sister's voice in my head saying "I know, right?"*

Anyway, in my obsessive photography mode, you know the type, like Fatal Attraction meets The Graduate *wink, wink*. I went to update my modelmayhem.com site and found a couple of photographers I really liked. One was http://www.greenskyphotography.com/. I really liked his style and portraits. Reading his bio says it all.
Anyway, I had to share my little OCD (obsessive camera disorder, duh!) of the day.... Photography :)

Obsession Originally uploaded by ohskylab

Unhappy? Resentful? Time to take the control back.

2010-05-01T09:53:00.000-07:00

Get it straight kids (No not my kids, the adults that act like them)! You need to really get over yourself. Questions to ask yourself:

1. Are you happy? (If you are not happy, why not?)
2. Do you feel like nothing goes your way? (Why do you think that is?)
3. Are you constantly saying negative things about the person you are supposed to love? (When did you lose that love?)

Okay, so let's sit down and get honest. Can you answer those questions honestly? Is it something you would say out loud?

Assignment:
1. Sit down and write out all those thoughts that you would never say aloud but is a constant voice in your head. i.e. your spouse says to you "Honey, can you get me a coke?" and you respond verbally sure and hand it to them, but in your head this is what you really said "Get off your A** and get it yourself, you lazy bum!"

2. When you have your thoughts written out, I want you to ask yourself, how you got to that point and what the problem REALLY is. It's not that your spouse asked you to get them a coke, it's that you are holding resentment for something they do to you that makes you angry. There are two problems here, either you get upset and never talk about it and just hold it inside, or when you do talk about it, it's when you get so angry that you explode and it turns into a fight.

Either the other person changes but it never last or they never even attempt to change because they do not feel they have a problem to begin with.

Solution (yeah a solution, I know, sounds unheard of right):
Let's get real. You cannot change how people treat you by never changing a thing about you first. First thing you need to realize is that perception is your reality...i.e. your reality is not their reality. Therefore, you need to change your behavior in order to change their behavior. Start by trying to figure out where the real problem is. It usually stems from a long line of fights and resentment that is never dealt with and it will never be dealt with if you continue to lie to yourself and think that you are not part of the problem or the solution.
My thoughts (yeah, yeah, who cares what I think, I know, but I am sitting in the peanut gallery here and am going to give my two cents):
Now that you have written all the resentful thoughts down, start to recognize when you say those thoughts. STOP...and think about why you just said it. Rewrite those thoughts into something positive. I will give you an example that I gave my teenage son that other day.

Negative thought (towards his 6 year old sister): "she always gets what she wants because she is a daddy's girl...spoiled brat!"
Rewritten thought: "Why am I feeling jealousy right now? Love isn't about buying things for me or my sister. Just because she got that game, doesn't mean she is loved more than me." He needs to also say to himself the following sentence to help retrain the negative feelings that has been built up from the jealousy over the years. "I am so happy for her that she has a dad in her life that loves her, we are so blessed to have someone that takes time out of their busy day to be a great parent who shows us love"

Now this does not come easy, especially to a teenager, but it works and it is no different than the thoughts that we have about our spouse or boy/girlfriend when they make us mad. So with my son, he has to talk about it to me, or to someone he feels he can trust to say those things to, it just has to be someone that does NOT judge him. Just like he has the right to have those feelings, doesn't mean that they are right...they are feelings for a reason....he felt that way because she is six and doesn't have as many chores or when he gets a game, he usually has to work hard to earn it and she earns one by doing less. What he doesn't realize is that it was no different when he was six, but it's hard to see that as a teenager. Do we all understand why he felt that way? Of course. But since it is not true, all those thoughts were eating at him, causing anger that was not warranted. So when she did a fundraiser for school and called around and got donations, she raised the most money in her school and won a DSi. My son was angry that she won, telling her that she didn't deserve it because she always gets what she wants.
Having him talk to me about it resulted in anger, but eventually the real issues came out and needed to be addressed. He understood my perspective but only after I heard his and was able to tell him how I viewed the situation and his feelings.
The lesson to learn from my teenager is this. That if we are unable to share our thoughts and feelings with someone, the only perspective we will have is our own. We need to hear from someone that is unbiased and going to help come up with a solution, not just pull up a chair to the pity party *cheers*.
Rewriting our negative thoughts, teaches our brain how to stop the automatic negative thoughts that we have taught it to do for months or years. Make the choice, it's all your choice, and you have 100% control over it...So take CONTROL.

What is in a Daze?

2010-04-29T20:37:00.000-07:00

So I came across this cool website, called thinkmap.com...and I entered in my blog name...

So Now lets rename the blog lechatelierite (who came up with this word anyway!?!) for Crystal and stupor for Daze or quartz fog...Nah..

Lessons in Life #1

2010-04-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

Be true to who you are:

We all have done it...we meet people and they see a side of us that is not real. Next time you find yourself doing that, ask yourself why. If you are one that does this daily, than you will feel as if a part of you is missing...as if no one really knows who you are. I remember at one point in my life feeling as though I was living in a dream, that this was not my life...looking at the person sitting next to me and asking myself... "who is this person?" Through many hard knocks, I found myself again and was no longer in that "dream" that was my life at the time. I started to stay true to who I am because I made a decision to live my life for me and not for other people.

Sounds simple, yes. But it is so far from being simple. Depending on what part of your life you are in, will depend on how hard this process will be. For me, when I look back, it reminds me of being thrown down into a deep dark hole and having to climb my way out of it. But as I did, I grew stronger and gained strength in myself that I did not know was there. The more I listened to what my intuition told me or my gut as others would say, the more I started to pull out of the dream and into the real world. This real world finally felt real, it finally felt as though I was going down the right path.

How to start:
1. First, go to the previous post and follow the directions to find out your passions/goals.
2. Learn to say no. This is a hard one to learn, but once you start saying no to people, then you are only left with people that are your real friends.
3. Retrain your thoughts. If you have a negative thought, write it down. Reflect on those negative thoughts and write next to it what you could have said instead in a positive way. You want to retrain any negativity in your head and after doing this for a while, you will build up your self confidence.
4. Go anywhere without any electronics. This means no cell phone. This could be anywhere, whether it is in your front yard or your bedroom. Anywhere will work. This helps you to be alone in your own thoughts that are daily tuned out by the constant noise that we surround our-self today.
5. Learn how to tell others how you feel. Do not just hold it in or say you are blowing it off because it never blows off, it just eats at you. Know that as it eats at you, the other person you are sitting there worried or mad at, is probably not thinking about you.
6. Lastly. Tell yourself everytime you think someone is mad at you or you are worried about how someone else reacted to you...tell yourself the 99.9% of the time IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. Most of the time when we think people are snapping at us, it is not about something we did or said, but something else going on in their own lives; therefore, it is not about you. Secondly, if you do feel it is about you, then go up to them and explain your perspective, because they may have taken it the wrong way and it is usually a way that you never intended it to be.

What are you passionate about?

2010-04-15T17:25:00.000-07:00

What are you passionate about? This is a question that everyone should ask themselves. Ask yourself if time and money was not an issue, what would you do with your life? Write out three things you would do that would be for yourself, not your family, but what you would do for you. Next ask yourself how do you accomplish this goal.

1. Write 3 things you would do if time and money was not an issue.
2. List them in order of importance.
3. Write out a time-line for each item.
4. Write out an action plan on how you are going to reach each goal (this could be days, months, or even years. It doesn't matter how long your time-line is, as long as you set one).

The problem is, that we all have busy lives and we do so little for ourselves, that we loose sight of our own hopes and dreams. By writing it out, this will help you visualize your goals and give you a steps that will help you make them happen.

~Crystal~

Crazy Days

2010-03-18T05:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel like I have too much going on and don't know where to start to fix the problem. I am a full time mother and wife, have a full time job, and am a full time student. It never seems to end. The problem is that I do not do anything without giving it a hundred percent. Then get frustrated when I see other people that have half the amount on their plate and just barely make an effort to get by in life.

I do not like excuses. Frankly I don't care about why someone did it this way or that way...I just want to know how they are going fix the problem.

Life is too short to not give it everything you have to give it. Why not give it everything you have all the time, that way you are not looking back at your life someday asking yourself why. Live life to the fullest today with no regrets!